Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
