his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
