First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
