I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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