I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I stole a fireplace last night.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
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