I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
