I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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