Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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