I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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