You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Just pee around me
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
