remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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