I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
