Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
