Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
