Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
