No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
