Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
