ya dads aren't the best wingmen
My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Randomize
