Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
