Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Randomize
