This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
