If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
