I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
