i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Boobs speak an international language.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
