I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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