so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
