I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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