is your mom at the bar?
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
