Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
