Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
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