I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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