I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
