well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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