I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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