Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
