Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
