When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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