The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
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