My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
