Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
areolas are like halos for boobs.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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