Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
