You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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