his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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