Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
