My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize