No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
