Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
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