listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
