I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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