Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
