I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
