I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
