He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I think my moral compass just broke
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
