my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize