seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
