U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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