It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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