I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
