I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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