I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 607 share tweet
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
