nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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